My Military Journal

Jan 10th 2007, Wednesday: 128 days to go...

2008-07-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

(16:51) Today we got our paychecks. I didn’t know we were paid for this service. Since we’re considered as privates we got around 9 dollars (13 YTL) for the first month. Also, tomorrow we’ll probably have our draws.

Another highlight of today is, a high-rank commander called superior-liutenant (I don’t know if this rank exists in other countries) came to me and asked if I am the aikido guy. I said yes and he said he wants me to train him. So if I stay here, I hope I’ll be his trainer so maybe things won’t be that boring. But still, I wanna get outta here to a distant, much calmer place.

Jan 9th 2007, Tuesday: 128 days after midnight...

2008-07-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

(22:20) I feel a lot better now. I managed to eat. At night I watched the match of Galatasaray with my friends. I’m hoping I’ll draw a place away from here and everything will be better.

Commanders are getting stricter and more offensive as the recruit training comes to an end, but that doesn’t discourage me at all. We still keep laughing & smiling and joking, even while we’re getting punished. Because whatever they do, they can’t do one thing, they can’t slow or turn back time. They only got 2 days left, after that they’re no longer commanders. That’s why nothing can keep us down anymore…

Jan 8th 2007, Monday: So many days to go...

2008-06-24T09:38:00.002-07:00

(12:17) Army is definitely the most unbearable when you’re sick. I got sick because the idiots close all the windows and the door and turn the air conditioner’s heat all the way up, even though the heaters are already on. I don’t wanna sleep in that dorm another night, with sick people coughing, snoring, stinking, turning the radio on at 2AM, talking outloud, and blaming the short terms for everything. I totally changed my mind about telling the world about how they’re treated in the army. I don’t give a shit anymore.

I don’t wanna have another meal, or drink another cup of tea, waiting half an hour in line and fighting with the stupid cook who can barely speak Turkish, or people who constantly cut in line to get a totally lame meal. I don’t wanna hear another insult from anyone. Being sick makes me emotionally vulnurable, so I feel I’m dying here. On Friday I’ll go to a hotel with my family, and on Sunday evening I have to let them go. I don’t know how I’m gonna endure leaving them when I need them the most. Please God, give me strength to go on. (18:21) I should have been in a lecture class right now but I’m in the bed instead, because I’m so sick I don’t even care if they realise I’m missing and punish me. I also gave up eating because I don’t wanna fight for a dirty spoon and a spoonful of so called “food”. I don’t know what’s gonna happen if I give up eating beause of my sickness. I took one of the antibiotics dad gave me. If I were at home, I’d simply go to the kitchen and eat the soup mom made for me, and take the pills dad gave me. But I’m here, sleeping alone in my bed with a bunch of other sick people. I miss being sick on my own sofa. I miss mom, I miss dad...

Jan 7th 2007, Sunday: 131 days to go...

2008-06-24T09:38:00.001-07:00

(15:42) Last night was probably the last time I took a shower and changed my underwear as a private. On Friday, the recruit training will end and we’ll all have our oath and become corporals. On Thursday, we’ll have a draw and see where in Adana each of us will continue the army service.

Today on newspaper I saw “Internet Celebrities”. Geriatric1927 and Brookers were among them. I felt really down that I’m not out there to make more videos for Youtube. There was also a Turkish celebrity “Mahir Çağrı”. If you search his name on Google, you’ll have some information about him. He’s an ex-celebrity who I totally dislike. I don’t know how but, on 1999 he became a phenomenon, even celebrities like Meg Ryan were among his fans. I can easily say that I’m way better than him, but I got no backup to pimp me of course. What the hell, I got 67 subscribers and around 10 true fans, I managed to have that with noone pimping our videos, which is a big accomplishment in my opinion since I think I still have the most subscribers among Turkish users. There was even a trio of Youtubers which made 2 videos and were on newspapers and on important TV shows, they still couldn’t make as many viewers as I did. And I wouldn’t care if they could anyway.

Jan 6th 2007, Saturday: 132 days to go...

2008-06-24T09:36:00.000-07:00

(15:30) This morning was the first time we had sports training. It was very light, probably another showoff that they gave us sports training. As I told before, short-term soldiers like me are nothing but an artificial army just show that we had our military service like everyone else. We’re gonna be sergeants in short time anyway. Long-term-soldiers who couldn’t graduate from a university, especially commandos are the ones who get screwed so terribly that it’s like they’re no humans and they have no rights at all. Some of them even die in this training and they’re just labeled KIA and sent home. In here I can clearly see that people in Turkey and probably in the rest of the world have no equality and it bothers me alot. Some of them has noone but a mother and a father, and noone cares if they die or not. Just like I saw in the training today they make the commandos run for km’s with 2 or 3 heavy weapons on their backs and they make you crawl like a snake the whole training ground if you fail to run on time. I’ve seen Tough C punishing them like that. It’s obvious that sergeant majors are not treating us the way they treat them because as I told you, we’re more audience than soldiers. What we have to deal with the most is being imprisoned and lack of comfort, and believe me it’s bad enough.

Also, something surprising happened this morning. On the bulletin board, I saw a greeting card with a long messagesent to all soldiers of the brigade. I looked at the envelope, and saw that it’s coming from an elementary school from İzmir. In fact, I’ve seen the school in my neighborhood. I was delighted and recorded tha address right away. Once I finish the recruit training, I will definitely send a card back.

Jan 4th 2007, Thursday: 134 days to go...

2008-06-13T05:48:00.000-07:00

(12:28) I had promised myself that I’m not gonna let anything upset me anymore, but things always go one step beyond my imagination. 2 nights ago the air conditioner turned the whole dorm into hell. I had to sleep with my underwear but even that wasn’t cool enough to fall asleep. And last night someone turned his radio on at around 2AM. And again it was only me who woke up at that loud noise. I’m not even counting the snores or the person next to me coughs on my face in his sleep. All I know is I don’t feel pity for some of the long-term-non-university-graduate soldiers anymore. More you keep them inside the barrack, the better. I can’t believe I have to try to sleep in that dorm for 8 more times until I finish the recruit training to be transfered to somewhere else.
I don’t remember at which interval, but I managed to have a dream too. I was looking out of a closed window of a small house. A 30 cm tall bullfrog came to the glass and started singing & dancing just outside the window. All of a sudden, someone took it down and started gutting it alive with a large knife.
But you’d be wrong if you think I’m about to break down or quit fighting or hoping. In fact, I wanna add something to what I wrote previously about committing suicide. There used to be times I thought I completely screwed up, that I’m not gonna make it through the day, like a very important exam when I see the test paper and I know none of the answers. At times like these, I remember what the chess tutor of “Chessmaster” game, Josh Waitzkin told. “DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE”. Do what has to be done. No matter how screwed up you are, do what has to be done. That’s one of the very important rules to always keep in mind. You know none of the answers? Write the smallest bit you know, and also write what you don’t know. You’re imprisoned in an army training camp for 4.5 months and you know you’re not gonna get any sleep at night? Sit down and write a letter to your friends.

Jan 3rd 2007, Wednesday: 135 days to go...

2008-06-12T04:41:00.000-07:00

(08:42) I used to play a PC game when I was in Junior High (which means around 13-14 years ago). Of course it was very primitive. Maybe you know, its name is “Budokan”. I still have it in my latest PC and still play it sometimes. In the game basically you choose a weapon and practice with it with an opponent. The place you practice is a room in a Japanese house, with all those wooden windows, doors, and floor. The door is wide open and you can see the sun setting on a clear sea. I think it’s the best place anyone can ever be. Most of the time army training here gets so boring it slows down to a halt. Or sometimes people get stupid and arguments come out of nowhere, like everyone’s trying to make my day harder. But I leave this world, and go to that Japanese house. I imagine myself practising aikido at the sunrise, or meditating after a tough training. I wonder if I’ll ever have a similar experience, I wonder if I’ll ever have a house like that, and how...

(14:00) While cleaning the training ground this morning I realised I missed something else. I missed sitting in front of TV all night, drinking a black coffee with alot of sugar, watching old TV series and studying Japanese all at the same time. I also missed playing chess online, or simply playing a favorite computer game while the TV is on, eating popcorn.

Jan 2nd 2007, Tuesday: 136 days to go...

2008-06-11T01:55:00.000-07:00

Just as if it’s not enough to cope with the obstacles of the army, now I also have to cope with the stupidity of the other soldiers. I have to face the reality of Turkey since I came here, some people, no, MANY people are unbearably stupid no matter where they graduated from. I also realized the fact that many Turks don’t know shit about Atatürk and his real value. That’s why they keep talking to each other saying what’s so great about him. And in the military they give extremely shallow information about him. Like, I bet no one in here knows that Atatürk was chosen as the soldier of the century by foreign commanders, because he’s the only commander who GATHERED an army himself as well as he commanded it.

I’m afraid army’s gonna get a lot harder if after the recruit training I’ll have to deal with these people rather than ignoring them. I’m sure it’s the same in every country, but I just can’t believe how many TOTALLY USELESS waste of oxygens there are around. Just around me right now there are at least a couple, I can understand from what they’re talking about. Anyway...

This morning I talked to a friend about inter-rail. It sounds so tempting to get on a train and visit other countries, especially if you’re a prisoner. I don’t know if I’ll have the money to do it this summer, but I WILL do it. This year or next year, I’ll break out of the borders and visit a few countries with my friends, and shoot videos, I WILL.

Jan 1st 2007 Monday: 137 days to go...

2008-06-09T08:50:00.001-07:00

(16:33) A few days ago I saw the photo of a beautiful 24 year old girl on the newspaper. She was a lawyer, had a wealthy family, and for no apparent reason she committed suicide. As her last letter she said she’s slowly going insane. I just can’t get it out of my mind. I keep thinking that if I were there, I could both save her and tell her there’s much more to get from life. As long as you’re alive, there’s no reason to end your life, though I can understand why she would get depressed like that. It’s either she broke up with the love o her life, or failed the job of her life. There used to be times suicide seemed like the only logical way, but now I know there’s always a way out. I kept thinking about her for the last week during the training. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to help her out, because I KNOW I could. When your life is jammed, you know what to do, format & restart. If you have faith in life, you can get over everything. You can quit your job and start a small one. You can find a better lover because there’s always someone who deserves you more. Anyway, you should never think of something like that. Don’t forget, there’s ALWAYS a way out.

Dec 31st 2006 Sunday: 138 days to go

2008-04-14T14:46:00.000-07:00

(11:00) Today was the most bitter New Year’s Eve for me. No, not because it’s the first holiday I’m spending away from home, away from my family and my loved ones. It’s because I had a really bitter time at the bathroom this morning because of the extra-spicy-uncooked-meatballs I ate with my friends.

Yesterday I decided to get rid of the depression and join the activities my friends have. At 2PM we gathered on the soccer field and had a 6 vs 6 match with 12 players from all around Turkey. Right after the match we joined the rest of the 3^rd team (the team I’m in) to eat a very traditional Turkish food. It’s raw meat, mixed with various types of spice, and it’s so spicy that the meat cooks inside the spice.

We gathered around a table and started eating. It was so fun watching people get red and sweaty as they eat. It was an unforgettable meal, with 36 different people coming all around the country. You know, Turkey is not like any other country. People in each city, east, west, middle, north, south, southeast, they all have different characteristics, very different lifestyles and very different accents. To tell the truth, that experience was worth all th pain I had to suffer. It opened my eyes even wider. I always wanted to represent the Turks on Youtube, but now I know no one alone can represent Turks by himself. You may find any type of people anywhere you look.

(13:12) Things to do when I finish my military service:

* Take a vacation until September.

* Attend all the camps my hiking club prepares.

* Buy a canoe.

* Fix my bike and restart riding.

* Re-install and play M.A.X., worms 4, and old PC and arcade games.

* Restart playing chess.

* Continue my Youtube videos.

* Read “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix”

* Buy a music keyboard and restart making music.

* Buy a telescope and continue observing stars & planets.

* Go to aikido lessons by a ship across İzmir Bay.

* Watch anime, Prison Break & Lost

* Rent all the movies I missed here. Watch older movies with my friends.

* Study Japanese harder & finish reading my astronomy notes.

* Restart playing FRP.

* Try to start caving.

* Restart swimming in the pool of my campus.

* Start studying bokken and continue studying Jo.

(15:15) I told you I was gonna tell you about the speech Tough C gave at the night training. The topic was “sound discipline” and he made us run with our rifles. After we came back he started his speech. I realized that when there are no ladies around, even the teachers start talking slang language. Every one word out of two was a curse, though not offensive. In fact he was so successful at making us laugh with every word he said just like a stand-up comedian. After a few minutes of laughs, he said “if real soldiers would make as much sound as you did while walking on the mountains of east, terrorists would recognize them from a km away and would say ‘look a squad of idiots are coming. Let’s fuck them to death instead of wasting bullets.’” After waiting for us to finish laughing he said “Except they really fuck the soldiers to death” and the laughter instantly turned into a stone cold look on our faces. And then he told us the ways terrorists kill our people, and added that these are not things he heard, these are how he actually lost some of his friends. He told how the captive soldier begs for death after getting mutilated slowly day after day.

(18:46) What I got used to:

* Getting up early, wearing army clothes, lame food, snoring people in the dorm, pooping to Alla-Turca toilets, having shower once a week with ice-cold water.

What I couldn’t get used to:

* The intense stink of some long terms as if a sweaty dead horse pissed on them. The continual thought of being imprisoned which still prevents me from enjoying anything. Taking a 3 minute warm shower by getting in line. Being away from girls. Being away from my family.

(21:50) It’s almost New Year. I watched a very funny movie called “Shaolin Soccer”. Right now I’m in bed, here it is calmer and more comfortable. After 2 years, I’m spending a New Year’s Eve without my friends, and for the very first time without my family. So there’s no need to miss my sleep. I think it’s also gonna be the very first New Year which I didn’t see the midnight.

Dec 29th 2006 Friday: 139 days after midnight...

2008-03-07T15:34:00.000-08:00

Today, we got on buses, and got outside the barracks for the first time in 18 days. The reason was to go to the shooting ground which is near a large prison. For the first time we loaded real bullets to our rifles, and shot 6 bullets. The gun didn’t recoil to wound our eyes or nose as everyone was afraid of, but the sound was piercing. After 3 succesful shots, my ears were almost deaf so I stumbled my last 3 shots.

After that our substitute commander made us sit down and tell jokes to him. He’s a low rank commander who doesn’t like to work unless his superiors watch him over. So that’s a good characteristic for us.

By the way, let me tell you about the 3 commanders of our team. The main commander is a sergeant major which is I think the best superior in here. He’s a real soldier who has experience in warfare just like Tough C. Let’s call him “Our C”. He teaches everything better than everyone and he’s not too tough on us. He definitely knows the difference of college graduates.

Second commander is a dickhead who’s stupid and therefore has to shout and punish in order to cover his incompetence. Of course he can’t do anything while Our C is around. The third commander is the one we had today. He’s the lowest rank of all, and mostly harmless.

Dec 28th 2006 Thursday: 139 days after midnight

2008-02-07T06:45:00.002-08:00

We’re being tested with all aspects of military. First it was heat & sweat, then it was dickheads, yesterday it was extreme cold. I don’t know how weather is changing so quickly. Yesterday I thought my hands were going to shatter to pieces, I still have open wounds on my hands. And today was the easiest day of all. The weather was good, we did practically nothing. The abominable commander is excused for a few days so the substitute commander did nothing but pretend to make lessons.

Dec 26th 2006 Tuesday 141 days after midnight

2008-02-07T06:45:00.001-08:00

(20:40) Today was supposed to be a very tough day but as you can see it’s over. It was our turn to clean the dining room after the breakfast, lunch and dinner. We also had to take a night lesson. And the lessons themselves are stressful enough thanks to barking puddles. Cleaning the dining room didn’t turn out to be such a tough task unlike many people told us. I switched my mind off and swept the large room, refilled the water-bottles, re-arranged the chairs.

At night it was fun. We grabbed our guns and started running on the training field like commandos, hehehe.

At the end, Tough C made a speech to finish the training. I’ll tell about it later, probably on the weekend, because I don’t wanna rush it up.

Dec 25th 2006, Monday 142 days after midnight

2008-02-07T05:18:00.000-08:00

(20:41) Days are supposed to go faster but they’re slowing down constantly. My brain is getting numb because some commanders are trying to make my days harder by shouting, insulting and punishing. When they go home they’re probably telling how they went tough on college boys, and what’s more they’re getting paid to do this shit.

But you know what? Here’s what I have to say to them. You think you’re satisfying your ego by screwing us up, but you’re nothing more than barking puddles. I will finish this recruit training and serve military, and go civilian, talk to people all around the world, represent my country on Youtube, visit places you’ll never see even on TV, date with girls your imaginations can’t handle, will be known by more and more people everyday, while you live in your scum, like a lifeless bug who bites anyone who gets in the way. You’re doomed to live here your loser life, and no matter what you do, I’ll leave this prison one day and wave at you from the bus...

Dec 24th 2006, Sunday 144 days to go...

2008-01-03T13:41:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is mom’s birthday. Of course I won’t be there to celebrate her. I won’t be able to celebrate dad’s and my sister’s birthday either. However for the New Year I secretly bought gifts for them before coming here. I put the gifts in my room in a closet. On December 31st, I’ll call dad and tell him where the gifts are. It’s surely gonna cheer them up.

The window of the dorm has a pleasant scenery of the highway. Accross the highway there’s a river, a large bridge, and the rest is all green. It’s a perfect picture of freedom. Just near the entrance of the military, there’s a digital sign which shows the temperature of outside. The sign instantly took me back to Zalau-Romania. It’s so different in here, every memory comes back to your brain, all your five senses, so easily. It’s like a blind person sharpening his other senses. For a few minutes I felt like I was actually there. Let me tell you a little bit about Zalau. It’s a town in Romania where I stayed for a while to be with my girlfriend.

I had stayed in a modest but decent hotel room, where there’s a cable network in rooms and two beds even if you pay for one. I had spent most of my time in that room, waiting for my girlfriend to leave work. In front of the hotel there’s a big square. In the middle of the square there’s a similar sign which shows the time and temperature. So sometimes I’d get bored, take my old walkman and take a walk past that square. I’d then pass by churches and old small houses. The weather was ussually cloudy and since it often rained, there would be a soft coolness and the dense smell of fresh rain. Every building would have a Romanian flag in front of its window.

There was also a park with an amphitheater. So wherever there was a concert or similar organisation (like “Zalau Days” at the beginning of August), this park or the square would be the place to do it. The names of the shops (like “American Fastfood”) would show the country was no longer under the shadow of communism. The faces of people were quite different than the Turks. They all had this calm facial expressions, probably because nobody is trying to get on them and ride their asses. Unlike Turkish people where we always look aggressive and aware. The Romanian girls ussually had a sad and innocent look that would make you wanna love them. The town was so small, the buses had only one route, so you wouldn’t have to read where it’s going when you get on a bus.

Of course it’s harder now to visualise all this while I’m writing here on the training field, sitting under the sun and watching commandos and short-term soldiers playing basketball. Gotta put this notebook back in the locker.

Dec 23rd 2006, 145 days to go...

2008-01-02T07:25:00.000-08:00

(14:40) It’s been 12 days since I came here, but nothing’s getting even slightly better. I don’t wanna take this shouting and insulting anymore. I don’t wanna watch jackals howling at lions for no apparent reason just because they have more military ranks. I wanna shout too. I wanna scream “GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING FREEDOM! GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING LIFE! GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING LIFE!” But I can’t. And the only thing to keep my sanity intact is the 15-minute-breaks they give between training sessions, where I sit on a tire on the field, inhale the fresh grass, and look at the fence, and what’s beyond it, the buses taking people to their homes, the children playing basketball, the planes taking people to their cities, the birds flying freely, and the trains, passing occasionally just near the training field. Sometimes I stand up and wave at the people in the train, and children wave back at me, and they go away, and then the whistle blows. And we go back, marching with rifles...

Today I also realised it’s been 12 days I haven’t seen a girl. This was one of the things I was worrying about before coming here, would I go crazy without seeing girls, without listening to music, without internet, without everything that gives flavour to my life. But right now... I think of none of these. EVEN MUSIC. I even doubt I’ll listen to music when my family comes and brings my discman at the end of the recruit training (Jan 12th). All these things were worthy when I was enjoying my life. I don’t want to enjoy anything knowing I’m not a free person. All I long for right now is a bedroom which doesn’t stink, a comfortable bed with no snoring sounds, a place to call home, clean clothes, a decent bath, some real food and spoon or fork to eat with, and knowing that I’m free. Anyone who’s reading this, know the value of your freedom, no matter who you are, if you’re free to do whatever you want, then you’re fortunate.

(16:56) I forgot to tell, people are surprisingly interested in me being an astronomer. They keep asking me the names of the stars they point at, and questions about the universe. You wouldn’t know what might help you make friends.

What I also found out that, being a college graduate doesn’t automatically make you a mature or even an educated person. I can’t believe how stupid they can be. Some of them make fun of me that I’m an astronomer ‘cause it doesn’t make money. Some of them claim that they don’t read book AT ALL. How can someone not read a book? Of course these guys are graduated from very simple universities with the sole purpose of having an easy & short military service. The question is, do they deserve it?

Two commandos are reading astrology on the newspaper, here in the lounge, with 50 people sitting tightly next to each other. One of the says: “My sign says I’ll go to a crowded place soon” Other one replies: “Then you’ll probably have a permission to go downtown”

Dec 22nd 2006 Friday; 145 after midnight...

2008-01-01T14:03:00.000-08:00

(20:29) I’m glad to say that the days are passing faster every day. Today we got our rifles and did simple training. Standing and waiting to get the rifle was of course killing, I was barely standing up after 3 hours. Damn.

Also, two completely opposite groups, the uneducated and childish commandos and university graduate adults are slowly blending into each other. I remember myself waking up to a nightmare on the second day of the military, getting scared of everything, choking between the walls. Each day we’re becoming more and more sluts of the military. We’re starting not to care about imprisonment or the stupid work the commanders make us do, and we’re enjoying our stay, laughing at every opportunity possible. And my language is becoming more and more offensive everyday. I never cussed in my life as much as I did in these 10 days. I just hope I’ll be able to get back to normal when I’m out.

Just like we’re looking like them, the commandos are looking like us more everyday. Yesterday one of them took my friend’s book and read the first page. He said he liked it but his friend said “You don’t have enough brains to read that book” The guy objected but, he said he doesn’t know the meaning of “monotone” & “clichet”. After searching, they managed to find someone who knows these words,

“Monotone is , like I wake up every morning at 5 and...”

“Dickhead you wake up at 6:30”

Dec 21st 2006 Thursday 146 days to go after midnight...

2007-12-27T16:09:00.003-08:00

(19:38) I think our march was good enough because today we didn’t march as much as we used to.

It’s a shame I don’t get to shoot the things we do and show it to you. At the end of the day, we were so tired we just stopped talking and marched as hard as we could in front of the commanders. It was nothing but darkness, the arms moving up and down and the sound of the march, rupp rupp rupp rupp... Everything else was too tired to make any sound.

Today at noon I went to the bathroom. I took off my watch and put it in my pocket, something I always do to keep it from getting wet. This time, when I took it in my hand and looked carefully, it brought back so many memories. I realised that this watch had been with me for so many years. It was with me when I was looking desperately at the girls in highschool. It was with me when I gave it to the girl I fell in love with at the 1sy year of university to try it on. It was with me when I gave it to my girlfriend in Romania and we laughed cause it was too big for her thin wrist. It was with me when I put it near he bed on the last night she and I spent together, the only sound we heard that night was its beeping every hour which felt like five minutes. It was with me when I set the alarm in a train somewhere in Romania, not to fall asleep and miss the station. It was with me when I first started aikido and the sensei told me to take it off. It was with me when I was camping high up on the mountain, sitting beside me to check the time not to be late for the hike. And it’s with me right now on my wrist, while I’m sitting on the bed in the dormitory of the military in Adana among crazy commandos who are right now beating each other for fun.

When I had a girlfriend in Romania, I used to write her letters as often as possible. Before I came here to military, one thing I was upset about was I had no girlfriend to write to, to, to share my memories and emotions. But of course, I have YOU guys. All of you. I have my friends, I have my Youtube buddies, I have my army pals who are getting more and more by day. I have my future friends, and that special girl, who I haven’t met yet. Hey, do you want me to keep writing after I’m our of the military?

Dec 20th 2006 Wednesday (20:22) 147

2007-12-27T16:09:00.001-08:00

I’m where I always am at this hour, in dormitory with 35 short term soldiers and 30 something commando privates, all talking in their accents, making it harder for me to concentrate.

Tonight I wanna classify the commanders to you. I can put them in 3 categories. First one is the real dickheads who have no intelligence whatsoever, who have endless inferior complex and have this grudge against college graduate intellectual people and believe that we are not better than them because they can give us orders to do anything and insult us like an elementary school teacher, but they’re wrong, nothing can change the fact that they’re primitive bullies with big guns.

Other type is tough commanders who are real soldiers, who have been in real operations, who sometimes get tough or shout, but they don’t do it out of inferiority complex, who want to do everything right, who I respect because they have risked their lives so that we stay safely in our homes. Tough C, and our team commander are among them.

Third type is the commanders who just wanna do their jobs and get rid of us quickly without any problem. Of course, this is my favorite type.

More and more people are getting injured everyday and getting medical permission. Today was my turn, I got a sore toe on my left foot. It’s the worst kind of injury you can get here. It’s not big enough to be permitted out of marching training, yet it seriously inhibits your ability to walk.

The short term soldiers like me are seperated into 4 teams. At the beginning of today, our team was the worst marching team. Our second commander is an idiot who knows only to tell people off and talk to his cellphone while commandos train us instead of him. Today our commando trainers changed. They’re privates like we are and of course much younger than us since they’re not college graduates. They did the training today and instead of telling us off or punishing they cheered us up. We kept walking better and better. At the end of the day we came back to the ceremony field to be controlled by the head sergeants, commando privates running around their teams giving tactics and cheering up for them. At the end of the control, the head-sergeant told for the first time the worst walking team is not our team. And then the best marching team is ours. So tomorrow is a very important day because the brigade commander, a colonel, is coming to watch us, and if he says he likes our team, it will mean the rest of our recruit training will be alot easier. Therefore I will not leave my team alone. I will hope for my toe to get better and march my best no matter what happens.

Dec 19th 2006 Tuesday (20:10) 148 days to go after midnight

2007-12-27T16:08:00.001-08:00

I’m slowly getting used to this walking and tiring my ass off. Every 10 minute brake we’re given, I sit on the grass of the training field and dream away. Yesterday I thought about my old loves, and girls I loved. I wonder what all my ex-s are doing,if they’re with someone else, if they’re happy. I thought about myself when I was with Flori 5 years ago. I thought how much I have changed in 5 years. How far apart we have been with each other. How far apart we are right now, her being “literally” 1000km north west of İzmir and me 1000km’s east of it.

And of course, funny things keep happening, I keep realising what they say about Turkey is so true, that it’s the biggest mosaic on earth. People from different cities have so much difference, yet so much in common.

Like, a guy from Black Sea region moaned about how slow my moves are while he always rushes for every move. I told him he’s from Black Sea and I’m Aegean, for Black Sea people move quickly and without thinking and Aegean people think alot and move slowly...

Dec 17th 2006, Sunday: 151 days to go...

2007-12-27T16:07:00.000-08:00

Strange but... we actually had fun today. The commandos had a mission in the morning. The political Party of PKK has arrived to Adana for a meeting, so the commandos had to go and make sure nothing nasty happens. First, they got ready on the field in front of our building. Then, the commander took 20 of us and gave us sticks and stones made out of paper & tape. So the 20 people attacked the commandos screaming and shouting. The commandos tried to stop them using shield and bayonets, they almost got their ass kicked. We were at the back, cheering for the angry mob. It was hilarious.

After the commander came to us and asked if it reminds us our college days. Funny, cause university people are known to cause trouble to police.

The commander was the one everyone was afraid of. I don’t wanna give name so from now on I’ll refer to him as “Tough C”, C is for commander.

Touch C was known as a crazy sergeant-major. He has been to east and actually fought against PKK terrorists and shot many of them. I mean MANY. New soldiers like us were really scared of him cause he’s gone CRAZY. We saw him working the shit out of his team, shouting and constantly tiring them, cussing and swearing all the time, although all his soldiers like him alot. We kinda understand why the privates like him. He’s crazy but he’s a real soldier and he really cares about army and defending the country.

He came to our group and started talking. We were shocked because he was talking quite softly. And he was saying meaningful things unlike many other commanders. Soon later every “short term” soldier gathered around him and started listening to him. I realised most of his thoughts about the government, the military, life, were all like mine. My favorite part was that he hates the captain just like we do.

He also said how girls eventually choose and get married with dickheads. That made me go back to my civilian days. The truth is that I’m in love with a girl for 4-5 years. She was in the same school with me, but a different faculty, so I could rarely see her. It took 2 years before I could make a move on her. I had gathered my courage and told her that I want her to know about me. I didn’t know her name until then. So how could I know she had a boyfriend?

And why I didn’t give up on her? Why would I? All I wanted from her was to see her, and talk to her every once in a while, so I don’t need to be her boyfriend for that. She’s so... so different. She’s nothing like I’ve ever seen before. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you girls are not pretty, but you’re all human. She’s something else. I don’t know if she was created by the same God, and I don’t know why God wanted to create something like that. She’s a sun, illuminating the surrounding wherever she wanders, warming the people who looks at her, burning everyone who looks directly in her eyes... there’s no way I can forget about those eyes, even though I hadn’t seen her for almost 2 years. You know, I wanted only one thing before going to the military, to see her once again. To look into those eyes, which give me strength to put up with the shit of life, to remind me that this shitty world is a beautiful place, because she’s a part of it. And my wish came true. I miraculously saw her while going to a Japanese class. She was with her boyfriend in his car. You know, when she saw me she remembered me, and turned behind to see me again as the car went away. I know, she was still with her boyfriend, but why should I care? What would be different if she was single? I got nothing to give her anyway. I heard her boyfriend is son of a rich man, he takes her from home to school everyday, I’m sure he gives much more to her. What can I give? I’m a new graduate who doesn’t even have a job yet.

Ahh sorry, didn’t mean to depress you. I just wanted to share this with you. On the first days of military, when things were unbearable, when I was sleeping in a bed a thousand km’s away from home, I’d think about her eyes, her face, and it would give me strength to go on. It brings warm happiness to my heart. I just hope she will be happy with her life. I will wait until I find someone like her, because that’s the only way I can forget about her.

Anyway let me cheer you up a little. I told you before there are no spoons or forks in the cafeteria to eat food with. But there are steel waterglasses to bring water from bathroom. Today there was pea and spaghetti for meal, I worked my brain and used the waterglass as a spoon. It was hilarious and my friends were laughing on the floor (just like me), but it did work.

(20:18)

Right now I’m in my bed trying to write something but my friends are talking all around me, all of them with different accents. I didn’t know there were so many different accents in Turkey. We’re actually having fun. I had to stop a few times cause I couldn’t stop laughing.

I found many people to talk today about various things. I found another aikidoka and talked and discussed all day about aikido. I found a guy who loves “Prison Break” just like I do, so I told him what’s going on on the second season. It’s late, gotta sleep now...

December 16th 2006 Saturday: 152 days to go...

2007-12-27T15:57:00.000-08:00

I didn’t write anything for 3 days because I didn’t have time or energy to do it. I was going to shred the previous entry but I wanna keep it anyway ‘cause I want you to see how much my mind has changed in 3 days. First of all, thank God I’m not a squad leader or somth, that was just for one day until things got in order. There are a million things I wanna tell but, I’m not gonna fully express my feelings cause this notebook I’m writing on can be found and I could be severely punished. All I can say is, this is FUCKING STUPID! All we had from the beginning of the first training was COMPLETE TORTURE! Is that how I serve my country? This place is a Nazi camp which strips down all your character, and makes you a brainless clown to entertain the commanders. All we learned in 4 days was how to march. And I can’t tell you how much of a torture it is. It shouldn’t have been like this. The price of being a Turk shouldn’t be being imprisoned in a military camp. There are more than 100 university graduates like me trapped in here. Think about a decent person, like your dad, taken away from his job and locked in a camp, where he’s been told when to get up (4:30 A.M.), what to wear, when to take a bath, what to eat, what to do, being humiliated by the biggest assholes you can think of, being have to do everything EXACTLY what they say, arrange your locker exactly like they tell you, eat lame food without spoon or fork (today I “stole” a knife from kitchen and ate rice and spinach with it). Think about being stripped off your humanity and by the force of army, being put under disgusting people who try to brainwash you to “obey, obey, obey”.

It’s been fourth day since the training began and I’m slowly getting used to this life, but still, sometimes it’s just too hard. Once I dreamed I was back home and when I woke up I was in the dorm. Think how terrible a feeling it was. When I were a civilian I used to have nightmares every once in a while, but when I woke up, I was relieved that I was safe in my bed. This is exactly the opposite.

One of the hardest things is that everytime I call my parents, I force myself not to cry and I tell them everything’s alright and they’re treating me very well. It’s completely a place where there are superior people and inferior people. You might say it’s also like that in civilian, but it’s not. Here, the superior has the complete control over the privates like us. They can make you do anything, say anything. The captain said they’re also going to chekc our “crouch shave” soon.

How the FUCK is all this helping my country? How the fuck is a bunch of uneducated commanders making us march all day, screaming and shouting at educated people like us helping my country? How is wasting enormous amount of money to give us army clothes, food, etc. And making us obediant monkeys helping my country? For years, our citizens have been brainwashed into “you owe your contry” crap. Yes I do owe my country, is this the way I pay back? Being inferior to some brainless dickheads? What is my guilt? What have I done? What have I done to put up with this bullshit?

I miss you guys. I miss all of you. To be honest, I miss you and my family more than everything else about civilian life, even listening to music, or having clean clothes, or not having to wait in line to have a 3 minute shower.

Anyway let me tell you a little bit about my life. I wake up at 4:30 AM, get dressed all those uncomfortable dirty clothes, shave my non-existing beard, have a breakfast before going to the “count”.

One morning, the breakfast was very stale bread, a tiny piece of cheese, and olive. I looked at the plate, and imagined the days I was saying a breakfast is incomplete because there’s no ham.

Anyway after breakfast, we go to the marching training. That’s what we do for the whole day, and you can’t imagine how hard it is. Some of the guys are injured because of the boots, and none of us can walk, I mean walk properly. I mean walk walk. Today is Saturday so we were set free after another training. We’re still in prison, but I prefer this prison rather than having to face the commanders and be clowns for them.

I’m in the lounge right now because it’s the place where commanders don’t come by often. Actually I went out once, and saw that a commander was having privates clean the yard, so I went back not to get caught.

My dorm is with the commando privates. Of course we’re very different from each other. We short term soldiers are all university graduates, getting a payback from being educated by doing the military service for only five months, and we’re going to become sergeants after completing the recruit training. Actually, if you’re reading this, it means I already finished the recruit training which will last until Jan 12th.

The commando privates are nice guys, all around 20, I said we’re different because they’re healthy guys with very little education. Some of them can’t read or write properly. They’re very noisy in the dorm, almost every day they’re having brutal fights with each other over a piece of cheese, or a piece of paper. Sometimes they hit each other with bayonet just for fun. All I have to be careful about is not to get an accidental blow or a guy falling on me while I’m changing my clothes in front of the locker.

Fortunately they’re not a problem to us yet, I think they respect us because we’re “adults”. Oh I forgot to tell. All non-“college graduates” have to serve the military for... get ready... for FIFTEEN months. And as a private. I can’t even imagine WHAT KIND OF A DEVILISH NIGHTMARE IT IS. It kinda explains their savage behaviour. For us, it’s being patient until you get out. For them, it’s “say goodbye to civil life”. Let me tell you something. In civil life probably I won’t have a good-pay-job, but if I knew I’d be paid a $100,000 per month, I would NEVER choose to be a soldier, no matter what my rank is.

In the lounge the TV is on. They’re showing a stupid Turkish TV series episode. But I’m watching anyway because those people having tea in their house, sitting on a couch, GIRLS, windows with views, free people, they look so tempting now. I just watch it with envy.

The commandos look so different than us. They also talk differently, it’s like all of them came from villgaes. Our faces and their faces are so different no matter which cities we are coming from. It’s like we’re different races, like they’re real Turksw and we’re fake, jus like they’re real soldiers and we’re prisoners in camoflage.

The one good thing about here is, well the best friends are made in worst situations, I almost doubled the number of my friends. They all, ALL hate it here, even though most of them (just like me) came here with the excitement of serving the country. We get along well for now and we always help each other out, cause as I said we’re prisoners, and prisoners need to support each other not to die of depression. Sometimes we have great laughs, mostly out of our deranged nerves. Sometimes a friend sings an old turkish folk song about home and family, and my eyes get all wet. Funny isn’t it? Those songs were meaningless to me before because I never suffered the pain of having to be away from my family before.

GOD I miss EVERYTHING. Walking on the seaside in İzmir, the aikido friends, listening to music, Youtube, sleeping in my bed, taking a decent shower. And I miss YOU guys. Right now all my prayers are that after the recruit training ends on 12th of January, I draw a decent place and get the hell outta here.

December 12th 2006 Tuesday: 156 days to go...

2007-12-27T14:42:00.000-08:00

Today’s my second day in the army. I couldn’t write anything yesterday because my head was still heavy because of the tiring 12 hour bus trip. I feel lucky because I was sent to a warm and a comfortable place, I still say this whole thing totally suck. A comfortable prison is still a prison. Nevertheless, without this military service I wouldn’t realise the real value of the people around me, my family, my friends, even my Youtube friends, and I wouldn’t realise how much you guys care about me. (14:38) I had to cut writing because the commander called us up. He asked who applied the army yesterday, it was five of us, he called me and made me the squad leader. Now I’m responsible for around 120 people. Dude!

OK Where was I? A few months ago I was very miserable that I don’t have a girlfriend who’ll think about me when I go. Yesterday I realised how stupid I was, because there are tens of people who care and think about me.

After all, military service is maybe GOOD for people. You learn to appreciate everything you’ve taken for granted. Your own bath, yourown bed, room, people you love, the internet, walking freely wherever you go.

Secondly, I’m so pissed off at guys who can get everything they want, who got lots of money, the best girlfriends, and never even need to work for a living. So this military service is good to have revenge on them! I don’t feel too uncomfortable being here, but such a service surely devastates playboys like those guys.

Today I was at the lounge sitting, saw a private with a long broken flourescent bulb in his hand. So I took it from him and studied Jp kata and Jo suburi with it (if you don’t know what I mean, watch my “Learning Jo Kata” Video) People turned and started watching me, so as you see I’m providing entertainment wherever I go (no wonder they made me the squad leader)